he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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