So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up under a house in Key West
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
