Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
