4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
