He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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