After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
