i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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