Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
