moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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