I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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