sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
