Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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