rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
