____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
