the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
