Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
