I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
