I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
whose parrot is this?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
