How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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