I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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