wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
