dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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