wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
