sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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