I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
