My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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