I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
