Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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