you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
