sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
