cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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