After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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