it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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