two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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