We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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