Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
