I think my fart just growled at me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
