so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
