she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I checked into jail on foursquare
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
