I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
