addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There's always time for handjobs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
