when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
