so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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