Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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