he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
