Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
