You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
