if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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