I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
