I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
